Akatsuki's girlfriends
by Zetai
Summary: Pein thinks getting to know his subordinates better is a good idea, but things end up pretty awkward.


**Akatsuki's girlfriends**

They were like a big happy family and they really liked to spend a lot of time together. And finally Pein had decided to meet everyone's girlfriends. The others new that he and Konan were together, but he didn't know much about their relationships.  
And one nice day they were having dinner and there they were, sitting at the table together with their girls or whatever they had.

A long awkward silence. And then...

Itachi: Sakura, why are you frowning at me?

Sakura: Well, I had no idea Sasuke was your girlfriend. I mean that's sick, you're brothers for god's sake!

Sasuke: (gives her an irritated look) Well, Sakura, at least you have a 'normal' boyfriend. Though I wonder why you chose him of all people. I can understand that when Rock Lee asked you to marry him you were horrified, because he's so damn ugly, but, come on, I don't think Kisame is much prettier.

Kisame: Go fuck yourself, Uchiha, blue is sexy!

Sakura: It is! Besides, I like fish! Yeah, I like the taste of fish.

No one says anything for another few minutes, Kisame is blushing, all of them desperately trying not to imagine Sakura sucking Kisame, because, you know, that probably doesn't look good.

Sasuke: (frowning at Sakura) You're annoying bitch!

Temari: Well, at least her relationship is not incest! Incest is gross. I can't imagine doing anything like that to Gaara or Kankuro. Ewwww.

Itachi: (teasingly) So, Temary, you think there's nothing wrong about you being with Sasori? If you hate incest so much, then why you chose a guy who has red hair just like your brother? Odd resemblance, don't you think?

Temari: You have a twisted sense of humor, Uchiha! If there was any resemblance I would hate it. What you say is not true, they're totally different, I can't see any resemblance at all!

Itachi: (chuckling) And people say I'm the one who's getting blind. They're similar and you like it, it's obvious, Temari!

Temari: No!

Sasori: (bored to death) Yeah, riiight, that's why you make me use black eye-liner every time we fuck.

Temari: (bright red face) Shut up, Sasori! Damn you, dont tell people these things!

Hinata: Well, at least I have nothing to do with incest. I've never touched Neji and I never will. I love Kakuzu!

Itachi: (ironically) Suuure you love him. Come on, Hinata, we all know that you're with him because he has a lot of money.

Hinata: What money, you moron, he gives me no money at all, the damn bastard!

Kakuzu: Hina-chan, it's because you want to buy too much of these little shiny things, you know that's not good.

Hinata: Oh, Kakuzu, my love, you know that diamonds are a girl's best friend!

Ino: Yay! Diamonds!

Deidara: Don't even think about it, I can't afford it, un! (gives Ino a deathglare)

Itachi: You blondies are just made for each other, you're equally stupid.

Deidara: Can't you finally stop saying bad things to people, Itachi, Ino-chan is not stupid and I love her, un.

Itachi: Dei, both of you are so stupid, that you can't realize each other's stupidity.

Deidara: Fucking weasel!

Itachi: Don't get mad, Dei, you two are a cute couple, and I bet you do only 'normal' things in bed, unlike these two (points at Tenten and Hidan).

Sakura: (amazed) What's that supposed to mean, Tenten?

Tenten: Well, I chain him, whip him and use all my weapons to stab him and he likes it. Oh, and we have a threesome with his best friend uncle Fester, you know, from the Addams Family. And you know what? I'm not ashamed at all!

Hidan: That's my girl! ( kisses Tenten and winks at blushing Sakura, giving her a dirty smirk)

Sakura: You people are sick! Uncle Fester, ewww.

Deidara: Don't you dare disrespect Fester sensei, he's an expert in explosions, he's amazing when he blows himself up, the best, un! My idol!

Hinata: Uncle Fester is hot!

Tenten: Don't you dare criticize me, Sakura, if you think that I'm weird, then what about him? (points at Zetsu, who is peacefully and quietly sitting at the table and beside him is 'sitting' a flower-pot with some plant)

Pein: So what's wrong with Zetsu?

Tenten: (pointing at the flower-pot and looking defiantly at the others) Am I the only one here who thinks there's something wrong with that thing being his girlfriend? He's even talking to 'her' and oh so surprisingly 'she' never answers him, but obviously you see nothing wrong in that! I wonder how they have sex.

Pein: (coughing) Tenten, none of us is questioning Zetsu's choice. He says he's in love , though... Zetsu, you're naughty, do you think cheating on 'her' is a good thing?

Zetsu: (blushing) What? No cheating!

Pein: Then what were you doing with that bush in the garden last night?

Ino: OMG! Now I get it! Ewww. I don't wanna know what he's doing with all the flowers he buys from me, ewww.

Sasuke: And once I saw him raping Rock Lee. Apparently green things attract him.

Everyone: Ewwwwwwww.

There's an awkward silence. Then they hear a giggle and a hiccup.

Tsunade: (flushed face) Tobi... hic... pass the sake, baby.

Hidan: (staring at Tsunade's breasts) Tobi, you bastard, how the hell a moron like you got a woman like that? (Tenten hits him)

Tobi: (leaning back, crossing his arms behind his head and smiling happily) We played poker and she lost, she had no more money and she had to offer herself, so now she's Tobi's. He he, they call her the legendary sucker. And an awesome sucker she is indeed. Man, that woman sucks hard. Eh, sometimes she bites too, but...

Tsunade: Wanna suck ya right now, baby? ( crawls under the table, Tobi starts moaning, everyone blush)

Pein: Enough! Tobi, I don't want to see things like that in my house! And you have to make her drink less. You're a disgrace for the organization. And you, Uchihas, you too. Your relationship is inappropriate. What would people say? I don't care what you're doing when no one is looking, but you need to have normal girlfriends.

The next time when they're having dinner together.

Pein: Damn! These morons. The stupid Uchihas are late!

Kisame: I wonder where they are. Probably still fucking or something.

Itachi and Sasuke: We're here. ( they arrive with two girls)

Pein: ( staring at the girls who are with Itachi and Sasuke, his jaw drops) OMG! It's them! No way! No fucking way!

Everyone: ( horrified and speechless)

Kaline: (holding Itachi's hand) Hi, people, remember me?

Zetai: ( yeah that's me) Sasu, my dear, I think these people hate me.

Sasuke: Well, I'm not surprised at all.

Pein: ( in despair) Why? Why them of all people, damn it. When I told you to get normal girlfriends, I didn't mean this! They're not normal! They write horrible sick things!

Itachi: (smirking) They write awesome Uchihacest and now we have them, muahahaha.

Deidara: (points at Kaline) That one! Now she will deliberately annoy everyone to death!

Pein: (hiding behind Konan's back) And I don't want to think about what the other one will do to me, she's obsessed with my ass.

Finally everyone sit at the table.

Kaline: (poking Sasori) Hey, Pin-poke-io, watcha doing, wanna do another play? (People, read "Annoying the characters", you must see the play, er, I mean read about that play)

Sasori: ( pretends he doesn't know what she's talking about)

Kaline: Kisame, why don't you turn him into a real boy?

Kisame: (confused) Why me? I don't know that jutsu.

Kaline: You're the blue fairy, silly. OMG, you'll be in the next play! Yay!

Kisame: (pouting silently)

Zetai: That's my inspiration! (slaps Pein's ass really hard, he jumps to the ceiling)

Pein: That's it! I'm outta here!

Zetai: (grasps his akatsuki cloak and holds him firmly) Going somewhere, Pein-chan? Oh, no no no, you won't get away with it. (whispers in his ear) I'll fanfictionize you to death!

Pein: Aw, crap.

Zetai: Hey, Sakura, Kisame is blue everywhere, right? You know, I was wondering what it's like to fuck a blue dick.

Sakura: H-How dare you ask me, I have no problem with it being blue!

Kaline: Yeah, Sakura, for you it's the little blue dick of doom.  
( If you people like uchihacest and haven't read "Little blue pill of doom"... Read it for god's sake!)

Kisame: Who told you it's little?

Hinata: Eh-hm, I can see.

Kaline: (staring at Deidara's palm mouths) Wow, can you eat with these?

Zetai: Now we'll see. (tries to shove Deidara's hand in his bowl of soup)

Tsunade: Yay! (grabs Deidara's other hand and tries to pour sake in the mouth)

Kaline: ( pulls Itachi out from under the table where he has collapsed in a fit of laughter)

Zetai: Quiet everyone! ( dramatic pause) I think Zetsu's girlfriend wants to say something! Ahahaha.

Sasuke: (sighs) What an idiot.

Everyone: ( staring stupidly at the flower-pot in awkward silence, they're too nervous to laugh, only Itachi collapses under the table in another laughing fit)

Kaline: (pouting) What are you laughing at, Itachi? You have a sick interest in plants too. I saw a tree hugging you in episode 81!

Itachi: That was one-sided, the tree was interested in me, I wasn't interested in it at all and I didn't enjoy it!

Kaline: (still pouting) Kurenai-san told me a different thing!

Itachi: ( blushing)

Zetai: (staring at Sasuke's plate) Sasu, my dear, you havent eaten your broccoli.

Sasuke: I hate it!

Zetai: Sasu, you're 15, your body is still growing, you need to eat things that are good for you.

Sasuke: (almost crying) But I don't wanna!

Zetai: Sasuke Uchiha! Eat the broccoli now!

Sasuke:(crying) Nooooooo

Itachi: (laughing) Poor Sasu, when I killed mother he thought he would never have to eat these things again.

Zetai: Sasu, I'm just trying to give your body everything it needs...

Itachi: And when she says 'everything' she means it.

Sasuke: Well the 'other things' feel good, but I hate the broccoliiiii (crying louder)

Kaline: Thank god I'm with the older and the more mature one...I think...(looks at Itachi who has collapsed under the table again in another hysterical fit of laughter, OMG I have ideas what else he might be doing while under the table, but I'll leave that to your imagination.)

Somehow they calm down and for a few minutes everything is peaceful. But then they notice something crawling on the floor ( no, it's not Itachi under the table)

Kaline: OMG! A spider! Help! (jumps in Itachi's arms)

Sasuke: Spider? Where? OMG! Help! (tries to jump in Itachi's arms, but Kaline is already there)

Spider: (approaching Sasuke)

Sasuke: Shit! Waaaaa (jumps to the ceiling and uses chakra to stay there)

Ino: (runs after the spider) I'll kill it! I need something big and heavy to hit it with.

Kisame: (handing the samehada) Ino, I have something large and hard here!

Hinata: Kisame, don't lie, that's not true, I can see through your pants, you know.

Deidara: I'll get the damn thing! (throws bombs at the spider, but misses)

Sasuke: (hanging from the ceiling and yelling hysterically) Kill it! Kill it! Kill the fucking bastard!

Tenten: Take this! (throws kunai at the spider, but misses) Hidan! Do something!

Hidan: Bitch, you know I have to pray first.

Itachi: ( standing in heroic posture, there's dramatic music) You foolish people! You're weak. Why are you weak? Because you lack hatred. You're not strong enough to kill a damn spider, now I'll handle this all by myself (burns the spider with amaterasu)

Kisame: Why didn't you use something more evil, like tsukuyomi?

Itachi: Well, the spider was clever and didn't look in my eyes.

Kaline: (hugs Itachi, a grateful shine in her eyes) My hero!

They kiss and the setting sun shines behind them and there's some dramatic sentimental music. ( the hell if I know where that music comes from and don't ask me about the sun)

Zetai: Sasu, why are you still hanging from the ceiling, you're the new chandelier or something? Come here.

Sasuke: NO!

Zetai: Come on! The spider is gone.

Sasuke: But the broccoli are still there.

Zetsu: I love broccoli.

Everyone: We don't want to know about it!

Zetai: That's it! (Pulls Sasuke down from the ceiling and forcefully stuffs his mouth with broccoli)

Sasuke: Mmmprghmpfmph (gives Zetai deathglares)

Itachi: (carefully listening) I think that means 'I hate you, go to hell'.

Zetai: Yeah, Sasu, I love you too. Kaline, you know tomorrow is the switch day, I get Itachi for one day and you get Sasuke, make sure the little bitch gets his punishment, you know, something like "Little blue pill of doom".

Sasuke: (gulps the broccoli) Nooooooooo.

Kaline: Heehee

Zetai: (smiling to Konan) Wanna give me Pein-chan?

Konan: Hell no!

Zetai: Come on, you give me Pein-chan for one day and I give you Sasuke.

Konan: Deal!

Pein: (starts hitting his head in the table)

Hinata: You give me money and I'll give you Kakuzu for one day.

Zetai: Not interested.

Hinata: How about Neji?

Zetai: Deal!

Izumo: (appears out of nowhere) I sell one day with Kotetsu.

Zetai: Deal!

Kaline: Eh-hm, I actually have Naruto for one day, you see, he had no money and I paid his ramen, so now he owes me... something, but I don't really want that. Wanna exchange?

Zetai: Fine! I give you my day with Kotetsu and I take Naruto. I'll get Kotetsu some other time.

Kaline: Deal. Haha, enjoy it!

Zetai: It's not funny! Naruto is cute... er... sometimes.

Kaline: (dirty smirk) Itachi, I wanna thank you for saving me from the spider.

Itachi: Yeah! (drools)

They make a jutsu and disappear in a cloud of pink smoke.

Zetai: Sasu, now you'll go with Konan, and tomorrow you're with Kaline. And then... mine again, muahahaha. Well, now I have to go. Pein-chan?

Pein: (faints)

Well, I think that's all. Hm, or maybe not...

Konan: Sasuke, are you hungry? (gives him a plate with some food)

Sasuke: Konan-san, what's that? Noooooo, not the broccoli again...

In Zetai's house.

Zetai:( holding a vibrator) Muahahaha, your ass is mine, muahahaha

Pein: (chained to the bed) Nooooooooooooo

Somewhere out there.

Orochimaru: You know, Kabuto, right now I'm really glad that I left Akatsuki.

On the next day.

Some of the others meet Zetsu.

Everyone: Hey, Zetsu, where's your girlfriend?

Zetsu: She left me. I have a new one, now I'm waiting for her.

A woman with bright red hair and a tight green outfit appears and kisses Zetsu.

Poison Ivy: Zetsu, my love, I'm sorry I made you wait, but first I had to kick Batman's butt.

Everyone: (speechless)

In a few days.

Naruto: What ramen?

Zetai:(irritated) The ramen Kaline paid for.

Naruto: When? I don't remember.

Zetai: A few days ago, moron!

Naruto: So what, I don't understand what you're talking about.

Zetai: (losing patience) It wasn't for free! You have to pay for it now.

Naruto: But I don't have any money.

Zetai: No, not money, you idiot, something else, you know...(winks)

Naruto: I still don't get it. (stupid expression on his face)

Zetai: OMG ( hits her head in the wall)

Naruto: What?

Zetai: That's it! Rape!

Eh-hm. Now everyone please look away.

Naruto: Oh, now I get it.

On the next day.

Naruto: Sakura-chan, if you buy me ramen, I will... (whispers something in her ear, Sakura blushes)

Sasuke: OMG, Naruto, help! It's gonna get me!

Naruto: Hold on, Sasu, I'll save you!

Sasuke: Hurry, it's getting closer, kill it, kill the damn thing!

Naruto: I'm here, Sasu, don't worry, I'll destroy it, that fucking spider. Rasengan!

Zetai: (realizes that she continues to type more and more bullshit)  
Jeez, what have I done, that thing is long....sssomebody ssstop me!

All the characters beat the crap out of her and that damn thing is finally over.

****************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************

Author's Comments

All right, all right, don't tell me, I know I'm out of my mind again. Now let me tell you how everything happened. I was planning to write some more yaoi and then I read "Annoying the characters" and it activated my madness and now I have a severe fit of idiocy and I can't help it.

Now about the story or whatever that thing is and the characters and the references and the disclaimer bullshit.

Apparently Zetai is me.

Kaline is Kaline Reine. "Little blue pill of doom" and "Annoying the characters" are her stories. ( OMG, the Pin-poke-io thing, ahahaha)  
Her writing is awesome!

Eh, you know who are Kishimoto's characters, also I have nothing to do with the blue fairy and Pinoccio, Poison Ivy, uncle Fester or anyone else mentioned in that fic, bla bla.

If some of you people really hate what I've done... er... don't tell me. Pwease!

Sasuke: OMG, what an idiot.

Me: Yeah, Sasu, I love you too.

Pein: I hate what you've done! It's horrible! It's ridiculous! People, listen to me, don't read it! Don't...mphpfmh

Me: *shoves the vibrator in Pein's throat* No one is listening to you, Pein-chan, my dear, no one is listening. And no one cares about your fucking opinion, damn it!

Sasuke: *soothingly patting Pein's shoulder, staring at the vibrator,shoved in his throat* Well, you could have ended up with much worse things in your mouth, at least it's not broccoli.

Naruto: I'll fuck to death whoever buys me ramen, fangirls, do you hear me?

Deidara: Fester sensei, I'm a little worried, it seems she somehow continues to type the story in the comment, let's blow her up, this thing has no end...

BANG!!!

Me: I fucking hate you so much right now, Deidara!


End file.
